


those who dream by night

by Adarian



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 12:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21633253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: "There is a simple explanation to a complicated question. How does a loop end? How do all the pieces fit together in a way that makes any sense? To understand time travel, one must understand that all of us are time travellers. We go forward, and each time we look back our memory deteriorates, replaces itself, copy after copy until there is nothing left but just a story.And this is the story of why Steve Rogers never came home."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	those who dream by night

**Author's Note:**

> Something that I have always found incredible striking is the beginning of 1962's "Lawrence of Arabia." The viewer is about to go on an over three hour epic adventure with an iconic character. But it begins with him dying in a motorcycle accident in a rather mundane and very human way. 
> 
> When I first read about the Endgame spoilers at the beginning of the year, I sincerely thought that this was how they were going to close the loop. The only possible way it worked was if Steve died. I had this very strong image of T.E. Lawrence on his motorcycle and it felt in my gut to be the right answer. 
> 
> I mean, that didn't end up happening, but the image still has been in the back of my head and when I was trying to finish my Nano word count, this ended up just flowing out of me. I know there's probably like a billion fics like this by now, but here you go.
> 
> And yes, I'll eventually finish the other Stucky fic. It's on my list, I promise.

There is a simple explanation to a complicated question. How does a loop end? How do all the pieces fit together in a way that makes any sense? To understand time travel, one must understand that all of us are time travellers. We go forward, and each time we look back our memory deteriorates, replaces itself, copy after copy until there is nothing left but just a story.

And this is the story of why Steve Rogers never came home.

Bucky wouldn't know it for five minutes. Only five minutes. The woman tried her best to get the timing right, but she was after all only human and she had few details to go on. Bucky would spot her on a nearby bench, waiting, psyching herself up to go to him. He didn't know why she was there or why it had taken him so long to notice her. Sam moved first but Bucky stopped him. He walked to her and sat by her side and when she smiled sadly at him, his heart sank into the very pit of his gut. The woman was well into her seventies, far older than Sarah Rogers would ever live to be, but she had her smile. 

The woman took his hands in hers and apologized, "I wanted to come and see you for a long time. I'm sorry we have both had to wait so long. You must have a lot of questions."

Bucky found himself shaking his head. "No...no, I think I..."

She said gently, "No. Let me tell you. No wondering, no imagining. Just the truth. I have kept this secret with me for a very long time. I would like to share it with you. Is there anything you want to ask me before I begin?"

"How did he die?"

She bowed her head. "A motorcycle crash. It was quick. He wouldn't have felt a thing. I saw the autopsy report myself, many years later. A clean snap of his spinal column, too fast to heal. He would have been gone before he could even think another thought."

Bucky closed his eyes, holding back his tears. "Tell me your story."

****

_My father came back to say goodbye. Who has a chance to say goodbye like that? He couldn't stay. It would damage everything that he had fought so hard to keep. But he owed my mother a dance. _

_He stayed with her three weeks. I don't know why that long. He had told her that he wasn't planning to stay, that he couldn't stay, but I suppose he just had trouble letting go. From everything I've heard, it sounds like he was a very stubborn man and not one to move on easily. _

_One night, he went for a ride. He rode his motorcycle most nights, but this night he never came back. They found him the next morning, his vehicle wrapped around a pole and his body beside it. The serum had healed everything but the break. He looked beautiful. Like Snow White._

_My mother knew quickly she was pregnant. She hadn't been trying not to conceive. She always imagined that he was going to stay. Why would a man linger for that long if he was going to just leave? But my mother always had another plan, always had a back up. That was what she was like. She phoned for help. She had been seeing someone when my father had come back. She had broken it off without explanation and now she explained. Daniel, the man who raised me, he understood. He took her back and they eloped the next day. His name is written on my birth certificate. Just like the rest of their children. Mine was just a lie._

_I wouldn't know that until I was a teenager and started to run. I had known since I was a child I wanted to run in the Olympics. And I was good. Too good. My mother told me then, warned me about exposing this secret. When I asked her why, she told me that I would understand when I was older. But I never understood. I was proud of who my father was. The time travelling seemed like just a fairy tale. I didn't understand until his body was found, until I was seeing it with my own eyes. It wasn't a fairy tale and by then I was old enough to no longer believe in them. _

_But that was much later. Then I would learn that my athleticism had nothing to do with the super-soldier serum. But for so long I thought I would pass it on. Too long. I used to hold myself back. I wonder...I wonder how fast I could have run._

_In 1968, I competed in Mexico City. Many records were broken then, but none of them were mine. I made sure of it. But there I met the love of my life. Ilsa. She was a runner like me. We trained together. We were the same team, the same country. She was a fan of Captain America, especially the films, those pulpy ones in the sixties. She was delighted to meet my mother, someone who had actually known him. They always got along well. Ilsa was the first person I ever told. She wanted to have children and I told her that if we had them, I couldn't be the one to give birth to them. She understood, she did, but it was hard for her. One of us would be giving up our careers, or at least putting them greatly on hold. I wish I had known then. I would have set everything aside for her. But this is how it is. _

_Twelve years later, when I was 30 and Ilsa 28, we had a daughter. Technically she was never mine. You understand how these things are. Ilsa conceived with sperm donated from a friend, someone who looked a little like me. Oh, she was a sweet thing, our little girl. Blonde as anything. Beautiful. We named her for a teammate that we had lost to cancer. Sharon. She had Ilsa's last name for most of her life. I had taken on Carter when I went to the Olympics and Sharon took it when she joined SHIELD. She grew up calling me her Aunt. It was safer that way. So Peggy was her Aunt too. Oh, how she loved Peggy. They were thick as thieves. _

_Yes, I know about that kiss. Ugh. I had no idea until after it happened but I talked her out of it. I told her just before I came to see you. I think the poor girl will gargling mouthwash for the rest of the decade. _

_Where was I going with this? Yes. SHIELD. By 2011, my beloved stepfather was gone and my mother was losing herself. Ilsa and I waited. I was going to meet my father. He couldn't know who I was. Peggy had made that clear, again and again. I introduced myself at a Thanksgiving when he first came out of the ice, but he was too distraught. That was all right. I was distraught too. _

_It was easier once Mum died. That sounds horrible, but it's true. It was so hard for her. He had come back to her once before and she had lost him. But she couldn't remember and he would visit and I wanted to scream at him. But I couldn't do anything. I just had to watch as he broke her heart and she broke his._

_Then I just had to wait. I only owed my father one thing. That was how I thought of it. I had loved him all my life but meeting him...I couldn't..._

_You understand. I thought you would. It's hard to be reacquainted with the past. _

_My mother made me memorize the date. I waited for it for so long. I didn't know everything else that would happen. But I knew I had to be here at this property on this date. I had to be here for when you would look for him. _

_Yes, I knew about you. My mother told me only a little but I could see between the lines. I was a queer woman growing up in the McCarthy years. I knew how to spot the history of my kin in censored texts. Knowing my father was bisexual or at least loved men in some form...it was a balm. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. No matter what anyone else said. I was of the same clan as Captain America. _

_I knew I had to be there for you on the day my father left you. No one told me to do it. But I knew you needed me. So here I am, Bucky Barnes._

_I never told you my name, did I? How silly of me._

_My mother named me for you. That was my first clue. How many girls do you meet named James? Few. Some, but few. I knew it was important. I knew it. _

_So here I am, Bucky Barnes. Let me sit here with you, and hold your hands, and then we can decide what we do next. _


End file.
